An Elf, a Man, and a Dwarf
by Earanthiel
Summary: The Ring Quest through the eyes of Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli—twisted almost beyond recognition. Need I say more?


Disclaimer: I claim no rights to the characters: they were created by Tolkien and are a figment of his imagination, not mine.   
  
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Two Bottles of Shampoo Down, Three to Go: The Ring Quest Through the Eyes of Legolas  
  
Day One: Mirkwood  
Got in an argument with Thranduil today-he said there wasn't room in my pack for the five bottles of shampoo I was planning to bring along. I said of course there was and showed him, too. He got pretty annoyed at being proved wrong-or maybe it was because he heard a seam rip. I said if it fits why shouldn't I bring it and he got even more mad. He pointed out a (very small, insignificant) tear in the pack and told me to 'Remove them at once!' I did, but they didn't stay out for long. . .  
  
Day Five: Middle of Nowhere  
Keep on asking myself 'Is this worth it?' All for some dumb council-I don't even know what it's for. That Elrond. Always dropping hints.  
  
Day Seven: Some Misty Mountain  
Well geez, they said I had to cross the Misty Mountains to get to Rivendell. They never mentioned names. I have a funny feeling they were trying to get me lost or something. Thranduil kept giving me odd looks. Then again, he could have been jealous. I'd just tried out a new conditioner that morning, after all. . .  
  
A little later:  
Just suffered a major loss-my hand slipped as I was brushing my hair and my comb fell down a ravine. Hoping they have spares in Rivendell.  
  
Day Twelve: Rivendell  
Geez, I thought Rivendell was for elves, for Valar's sake! Keep running into little tiny people all over the place. Once, I thought I saw a dwarf! Can't deny the fact, though, because that would be denying my superior elvish eyesight. Oh well. . . One of the little tiny people was wearing a really annoying ring-looked like gold, but I'm not sure. So flashy! Some people are just so not handsome that they have to cover up by wearing tacky jewelry. Unlike myself, of course.  
  
Day Thirteen: Rivendell  
Finally these people took some initiative and started that council. Spent some time looking around at all the members. Decided none of them had hair as good as mine. Especially that Gandalf. A trim might help, not to mention a good wash. . .  
  
Later:  
The little tiny person with the ring-name's Frodo, apparently, but if I were him I wouldn't be proud. Frodo? Frodo? How about Legolas?-volunteered to carry it to some mountain and throw it in the fiery chasm. I say good thing-it's so aggravating! Always catching the light and making people stare. Anyway, I said I'd go along. Everyone else seemed to be, and I could give them some lessons in how to style their hair. . .  
  
Day Fifteen: Rivendell Still  
Offered Gandalf some shampoo. He didn't seem to appreciate my services. Looking back, I think that's probably a good thing. I should have brought more than five bottles!  
  
Day Eighteen: A Little South of the Middle of Nowhere  
That dwarf is beginning to seriously annoy me. You can never tell what he's saying-that beard muffles the noise. And when he does say a few sensible words they're usually, 'Why didn't I bring a good beer on this trip?' I never drink beer. Makes one's breath smell bad.  
  
Day Twenty: A Little South-East of the Middle of Nowhere  
Aragorn took me aside today and said he'd be happy to give me some lessons in proper grammer-said I say 'Geez' too much! As if! I suggested he give his hair a good brush-said he lets it get too tangled too often. Gave him my mirror to use. Left me alone after that.  
  
Day Twenty-One: Another Misty Mountain  
Don't know what the name of this one is either. Gandalf bellowed some words and set a log on fire to keep us warm. Didn't really work. Well, I guess I wouldn't know-he elbowed me in the side when I tried to get near it. I think he's still annoyed about the shampoo thing. Geez! Talk about overreacting!  
  
Day Twenty-Two: Mines  
Boy, it's dark in here. Wouldn't have had to come of the tiny people hadn't nearly gotten frostbite on that mountain. I thought my shampoo was my water bottle and offered it to that other man-Boromir. A few seconds later I heard a muffled gagging sound and a thud-he'd apparently dropped the bottle, because I heard Gandalf shout, 'What's this sticky stuff on my staff!' Sounded pretty mad, so I decided to pretend I didn't know about it. Waste of good shampoo. And because it got on Gandalf's staff he can't light it and I have a sore toe from trying to walk in the dark. Bet he's just pretending.  
  
Day Twenty-Three: Mines  
And I though Gandalf overreacted! Got into this stuffy room with some tomb in it and the dwarf-I think he's Gimli. Another useless name!-saw the name on the tomb and started crying. Crying! Noise brought in a pack of slimy orcs. Must have found the shampoo spill. Sure didn't smell like it. And I could swear that Boromir took a swing at me with his sword. Geez, I really did think it was water! Some people. . . Ran down a ton of steps and across a bridge. Then this big hulking fiery thing-according to the all-knowing Aragorn, a Balrog-started chasing us. Gandalf tried unsuccessfully to defend us and fell down the chasm. Got an idea and suggested to Frodo that he drop the ring down too, but he didn't hear me. He was crying too hard. I wonder why? I mean, Gandalf was pretty touchy, if you ask me.  
  
Day Twenty-Five: A Little East of the Middle of Nowhere  
Boromir keeps on blowing soap bubbles. In my direction, I might add. Very annoying. Almost as annoying as the little tiny people, who I keep accidentally stepping on. They squeak like mice.  
  
Day Twenty-Eight: Lothlorien  
Finally, a chance to use my new shampoo! But Galadriel got pretty mad. Kept ranting on about my getting soap bubbles in her mirror. Dismissed her as deranged. Aren't any mirrors in this place. Why would I want to put soap bubbles on one, anyway? Boromir wouldn't stick up for me. Said he saw me, actually. So did another of those tiny people. Can't remember their names. If mice have names.  
  
Day Thirty: Lothlorien  
Counting the spilled bottle in the mines, that's two I've gone through. Very serious. Why, oh why, didn't I bring more than five?  
  
Day Thirty-Five: River  
Stuck in a boat with that dwarf! What could be worse? And he's crying again. This time it's about Galadriel. Asked him what she did, and he sobbed, 'I asked her for three hairs from her golden head. She couldn't give me any! Too many romantic dwarves had come by and she didn't have any left!'  
So that's why she was wearing that head scarf. . .  
  
Day Thirty-Seven: Parth Galen  
Aragorn very jumpy. Asked him where Frodo and Boromir had got to and he spun around and tried to stab me with his sword. Jumped aside just in time, but still! Asked him what was up and he said something about a shadow in his mind. Very dramatic, but not that convincing, if you ask me. Repeated my question about Frodo and Boromir and he leaped up shouting. Looked around for the bee, but there was none. Then he was running up the hill shouting for Frodo. Beginning to think his mental health is in serious danger.  
  
Later:  
Boromir dead. With a soap bubble poised at his lips.  
  
Day Thirty-Eight: A Little More South of the Middle of Nowhere  
Geez, Aragorn sure is a man of action! When two of the little mice had apparently left for the fiery chasm alone, including the one with the tacky ring, he didn't seem to mind, but when the other two looked to have been captured by orcs he shouted, brandished his sword, and ran after them. I followed, but only because he still had my mirror from what, a month before? And that dwarf just had to come along! Have to say I don't have much hope for this whole venture.   
Asked Aragorn where in Middle Earth we were going and he said something that sounded like 'Rohan.' Rohan. Hmmm. Hoping they have shampoo there. Three and a half bottles down, one and a half to go. . . 


End file.
